kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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lot going on here, legally speaking.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.