My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.