Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Yes my dude
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.