“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
23. the denim jacket
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me