NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know