KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses