Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money