KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
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The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.