If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.