Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
The struggle is real.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters