Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever