KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
You Might Also Like
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
We all have our pet causes.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Twitter is an abusement park.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner