KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
October already? What’s next? November????
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.