KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.