KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Banking tips
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
*weighs self after shaving
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”