KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
You Might Also Like
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?