Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts