Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start