Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks