Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Shower sex be like:
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.