Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
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doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Does it…does it take 3 days
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed