Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor