Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.