Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget