Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.