Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I support this random dude and all his protests
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.