Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time