@sharkies3: Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield .... Thought I hit a unicorn
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@murrman5: "Behold, a 3 headed cat" "um, its just 3 cats taped together" "Behold, a 12 legg...*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat."
@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
@markydoodoo: Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
@JediGigi: Him: ...and I asked you out because you're smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK? Me: To see if you're real or if I'm just high