Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.