@sharkies3: Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield .... Thought I hit a unicorn
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: [taking communion at church] I'm a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
@Book_Krazy: Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
@robfee: Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind. Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN