Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Rather alarming headline…
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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