Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*skinny dips into black hole
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17