Love it! ๐๐
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My kid is not a good sleeper so Iโll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and itโs had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: iโll let you go if you just please stop talking
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
โNew year new meโ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year Iโm not still lactose intolerant.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: thatโs right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute โtowel animalsโ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
