[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear