baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Mhm.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.