Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
translated into Canadian
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
for all #parents out there
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.