KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
i meant to share this earlier
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.