KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
You Might Also Like
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Sunday
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
first you must answer his riddles
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.