KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
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The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?