Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?