Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Seals are just dog mermaids.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”