KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”