KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
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One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.