KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
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The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
How is it still this week?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.