[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
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[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Peace was never an option
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up