*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.