KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
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I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
that lip filler tho
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”