KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”