No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”