[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.