[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth