[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
every. time.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…