I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
You Might Also Like
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second